The last time I posted on my website, it was to express my feelings about my suicide attempt. Months later, I get to say that I’m single now. It isn’t a proud moment but a wake up call. I’ve never been one to take a break up hard but I never had a long or real connecting relationship with anyone like I had with Craig. I figured once he ended it, here is going to come the depression and self-loathing crap. Surprisingly, I feel very happy and ready for anything that comes my way.
I know he may not agree with me, but I really think this is the best thing for us and our daughter. It doesn’t make sense to force something between two people and it is worse when it could affect your child. It isn’t fun to think that you are worthless, unappreciated, and incapable of being happy while you’re with someone. It doesn’t feel good to argue about things that aren’t even remotely relevant. I realized just a few weeks ago that I felt like I could do better than him and he could do better than me, too.
Before Craig and I got together, I had no intentions of being with anyone. I was never with anyone for any length of time. This past relationship, of almost 4 years, was my longest and my first with love. I knew it was the best thing to be over when after the break up, I had a few tears and then I was completely fine. I felt horrible about feeling good because that means for months this was continuing when it shouldn’t have.
I believed that I stayed because I figured these feelings were normal and people go through things in their relationships. I just am now starting to feel more confident within myself and feeling good to better myself. The easiest part is to break up and move on. The hardest part is realizing you have to figure out how to get your time split with a child. We also have bills together, an apartment, and also a bank account. This part is never easy or fun, more like a reality check.
To make this easier on the both of us, I moved in with my family. It is very surreal because I haven’t lived with them in about 5 or 6 years. Having my daughter and my family around make this bump in my journey easier to experience and deal with. I feel blessed to know that he and his family aren’t like my own (not close) family. They will always be there for her. He will always want to spend time with her and see her. I’m also not one to be bitter or upset towards her about us. My daughter is a blessing and I want her to always know that.
Being single and a parent now is a new one to still process. But considering I was willing to kill myself after a fight with my ex boyfriend and now I’m okay going forward, I’m proud of myself. Now that I want to lose this weight and I am putting in the effort, I’m proud of myself. I have this platform to be open and express myself to many others who understand what I mean or become understanding of this situation and I love it. I feel more appreciative of what I have and I’m so glad to be here to feel it and express it.