I can’t handle any stress, any criticism. I woke up in a good mood for 2 seconds. Money issues. Without being told to my face, this is all my fault.
I spent money to wash clothes. I spent money on food, for me and my daughter. I’m the one that messed up the money. I don’t work. I don’t provide value for my life or my family.
I know many people will not care about my feelings, my take on this. Everyone sees or worries about me hurting myself. It feels good. Like when you hit someone who’s made you mad. Except when I am mad, I hit myself.
But today, I’m posting this because I’m still upset, I still want to hurt myself. I still want to bang my head against the wall. I want to drink lots of wine. I want to go outside and freeze to death since it’s possible in New Jersey right now.
I’m crazy. I’m going crazy. I want to be an auto mechanic. I want to quit my school now. Go to trade school. Do something hands on. But I will quit and fail that, too. I have no job, no career, and no future. I’m not beautiful, my body isnt amazing, and I’m a horrible spouse and mom. I need help to change this. I need to be medicated because I can’t deal with these thoughts as they come after I stop blogging.
I’m venting. These are my thoughts. They happened after I couldn’t handle some things that were said to me. It can get worse from this like hurting myself which I did earlier. And that pain and pressure makes it go away and feel good. But now, I’m tired…I’m scared to put this now but I want people to see or envision what I think, how I feel, and why or why not.
I hurt myself more mentally and emotionally than I do physically. How do you save yourself from yourself? Thank you for reading. I am okay now…this was minutes ago [my rant] and now I’m better. I’m very upset, I do not feel angry or willing to hurt myself. I feel exhausted from crying and being in pain.