I will be upfront and raw, I haven’t started getting to the real body of this blog and I am already crying. This may be a trigger for someone with PTSD, please be warned, my apologies.
I need to do this to let this frustration and fear that is bottled up in me, out to the world. So let’s start with the fact that I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Mood Disorder. I never considered myself for having PTSD until someone else mentioned it to me. I didn’t want to believe I had anything wrong with me because it would be another medical condition I had to deal with.
When I had my panic attack at work, I went to get help and that is when I was diagnosed at Catholic Charities in Hamilton, NJ. I was prescribed Abilify for my mood swings, nightmares, and other issues which have helped aside from the mood swings. I mean I got mad at Craig last night because the little suction cup basket made to hold Alaina’s bath toys kept falling and it was making me angry. I know, sounds crazy but it didn’t feel that way until after I thought it over later on.
My diagnosis is connected with my sexual abuse from when I was 19 and my cesarean section when I was 24. I didn’t have these symptoms before giving birth. I did have violent spurts and mood swings but never anxiety attacks or any social anxiety and a number of other symptoms. I didn’t have trouble sleeping where I’d sleep for 8-10 hours and feel like I didn’t sleep at all. I didn’t have nightmares or flashbacks. I didn’t run the incident in my head like a film over and over again.
I feel lost and scared. I wonder if I am going to be medicated for a long time or what can be done so I can work. I haven’t returned to work. I’m SCARED. Ridiculously scared to see everyone and to face everyone from what happened with my panic attack. I truly don’t want to leave my home because I don’t know if the person responsible for this is near me or knows me. I don’t know him, I don’t know his name, his face, his race, or anything for that matter. I know what happened because of the used condom with blood on it next to my bed. The soreness of my womanhood the next morning and the fact that I wouldn’t have consented to sex while on my period or with someone I just met while stumbling in and out of consciousness. Days later I received images of myself half naked and unconscious in my bed with text messages of him degrading me and threatening me.
I’ve had the comments that I need to get over it and work because that is what so-and-so did. I need to suck it up and do what is right for my family, that is going to work and earning an income. All these pieces of “advice” felt like I was being attacked and not understood. I’ve had 10 jobs in the last 3 years. I worked in the retail, restaurant, call center, customer service, and warehouse industries. I tried jobs that I would normally love or ones I didn’t know what to think. I couldn’t stay, I couldn’t force myself the feeling of getting sick (vomiting or diarrhea), the crying in the bathroom or outside, the constant chain smoking, and the abuse that companies legally do to you regarding wages and sick time. I couldn’t be around all those people and dealing with all those customers. Typing this out, makes me feel sick to my stomach.
I’m not healed, I’m not better. I’m not happy and I’m not sure what is going to happen. I recently signed up to do Wag! It is a dog (or any pet really) service for walking, boarding, or sitting. I love it because I can request walks when I feel like it. When I see these dogs and they interact with me, they are so loving and fun. It makes me want to get a dog even more. It also helps me earn some extra money while taking my anxiety or depression levels down if it is a bad day. If you want to try it for your pet, download it on Apple or Android and use my referral code KALILA16124 because you’ll get the first walk free and then if you continue with a second walk, I will get a $50 bonus. This will come in handy with my family. But this is also a way I can be calm and feel like I have a dog without having one since we can’t afford it or have one in this apartment.
I hope anyone who reads this understands that mental health is serious, and please don’t wait to get help because I did and I’m sure our situation would be completely different if I did. Craig is a great person and spouse because he is working hard to be sure I can be home and work on my health. As I go through my therapy, I will provide updates. I’m also hoping to use CBD Oil [Cannabidiol], which is extracted from Cannabis without the THC which makes you feel high and is tested for in drug tests, to help with my symptoms and anxiety mainly.
I hope everyone stays bless and drop a comment or like please for support!
The Kali Mom