Mommin'

My Anxiety Attack

This happened at work of all places.

I felt crazy, I probably looked it, too.

Everyday when I get up to get ready for work, I get anxious. It doesnt matter what job it has been for, how many short or long hours it consists of, I just always get anxiety before and during a job. I’ve lost jobs because of this, I have to admit that now. I want to cry for having to admit that.

I wake up in a bad mood knowing I have to work. Nothing about my job is stressful. Occasionally, people in and out of the office may irritate me and piss me off, things happen. I go to work anyways, suck it up and keep quiet. I can never describe why it happens and that scares the crap out of me.

This morning, I felt as I left my body to give myself the strength needed to leave the house. My boyfriend left to get air in the tires, all the while I’m doing our daughter’s hair. I’m in tears just doing my baby’s hair. I’m looking at her, she’s trying to make me feel better and she asked me to stop water from my face. Inside, I just want to curl in a ball more and cry. I want to call out of work. How do you call out and say my anxiety is through the stratosphere and I can’t make it in?

My boyfriend returns and I tell him I am feeling worse than ever and he says, “I know” and walks away. Me being me, I think he dismissed my feelings and I get even more upset. I get in the car, I’m silently crying. I’m scared that if I can’t contain myself in the car, how the hell do I do that at work? I muster up the wee-bit of courage I have to get out the car and go inside. I’m running to the bathroom, tears almost exploding and my stomach on fire with nervousness. I calm myself down, I wipe my face, wash my hands, and spoke to myself before I went in the office.

I sat down at my desk and clocked in. I soon as I clicked that button, the dam broke. It felt like The Lion King after it rained…it wasn’t enough. I’m putting my head down and letting it rip, silently I thought. My co-worker, who I verbally attacked about a month ago, comes to me and asks me to go outside with her. I told her it’s my anxiety, literally cannot speak correctly and I’m shaking. We talk and she gets me to stop crying but I feel pitiful.

I post a status on Facebook, because I didn’t feel like researching the internet for ways to calm down. I begged for help. I was able to for a moment with the advice my family and friends offered. As soon as I stepped back on the floor, I’m upset. I finally get my boyfriend to call me because of his job it isn’t always easy to get a chance to speak with him. He gave me the push I needed to think straight. He, unknowingly, reassured me that he cared as opposed to what I thought this morning.

He told me I wasn’t crazy, to either push through or go home, and that this will past. He made me feel good enough to get in and clearly say enough to leave. I’m more upset now because it could have been avoided if I’d have spoken up.

I felt this situation was starting to happen on Tuesday, and I left to see a behavioral health center. It wasn’t therapeutic but it was a start in the right direction for me to get help. I felt that I was going to break down, that’s why I sought help. This time, I kept in the denial pool and I had an anxiety attack.

It’s just pass midnight and I’m tired…ready for bed now. But I am still on edge, I’m upset, I’m scared, and I’m feeling near to tears. Televisions are off, our daughter is sleep, and my boyfriend is working his way back to sleep. I have no reason to be like this. I know when I go to bed and wake up, it’s back to anxiety 2.5.

I’m just anticipating on what is going to happen. Maybe being cigarette free for almost 2 weeks is the real cause. I don’t feel it is. I need help. I need a professional. I cant get it until Monday. How or what can I do to get myself mentally stable for 2 or 3 days?

I didn’t experience these issues with my mental health when I was younger. I did have issues but never to this extent. Since I had my daughter almost 3 years ago, I struggle with anxiety, anger, rage, violence, exhaustion, laziness, no will/reason to do anything, avoiding people and places, and lacking a sex drive. As a girlfriend, I’ve failed to display affection and truth to my partner. As a mother, I can’t understand how can I be called a parent when I can’t do something simple as work or cook at times. I need help. I need to avoid my next anxiety attack.

The Kali Mom

XOXO

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “My Anxiety Attack”

  1. Hugs! I have dealt with anxiety for half my life, so I know how it can be. The same number for the suicide hotline can be called just to talk as well. 1-800-273-TALK. You can also send a text message of NAMI to 741-741 to start a conversation with a counselor. Third, there’s an app called 7 Cups where you can chat one-on-one or in a group. Finally, there are mental health groups for black women on Facebook.

    Like

  2. I feel your pain. I can identify with a lot of what you’re going through. Get the help you need and do whatever it is to cope with it. Be proud that you could admit it, I’m proud I was finally able to.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s