I don’t love myself.

Before I gloat and rampage on, I have to show some love to some awesome guys for a late Father’s Day celebration. ☺☺

Thank you Khris for being the dad I wished I had my whole life and I’ve taken that for granted. I love you dearly and you’re a pretty awesome person. I appreciate you more than you can ever know because I have a man like you to look up to. I love that you are my moms husband and forever partner. Stay fresh, Khrissy 😁.

Thank you Craig for being an amazing father to Alaina. I wasn’t ever able experience a father growing up until I hit about age 12. I got to see my stepdad be great to my little brother. And now as a parent, I get to see it again for me daughter this time. Thank you for never letting me doubt your abilities as a partner and father. I love you. 😘

Soooo…When you’re fat, losing weight just feels impossible. When you aren’t living positively, you don’t think positively. When you are just lazy and miserable, you don’t look at yourself the same as anyone else does. But I want to change that. I want to change my way of thinking. I want to believe in myself. I want to be more positive.

I have gotten so comfortable with calling myself fat because that is all that I even see just looking in the mirror. Since I was pregnant and post pregnancy, I just didn’t give a crap. I’m a mom, right? I can live a little. But now I am just exhausted, no energy, no patience, and no motivation.

What really irritates me is that people, who are much smaller than me, try to be cute and say, “No you are not fat girl! I know people bigger than you!” Until now I didn’t think about it, but if Jenny is bigger than me that makes her fat, but what if Stacy is bigger than Jenny? Does that only make Stacy fat? No! We are all freaking fat. I get that you don’t feel comfortable with someone calling themselves fat but at the same time…are they not? Don’t we need honesty or wake up call? Don’t sugar coat it for me, clearly, I have had enough of that in my life for 5 people.

I don’t say it because I am so proud and happy with myself for being large. It is just to get attention or to say out loud like, “Wow, I’m a couch.” Lol, okay that is over the top. But to me, I like calling myself fat. I like being able to insult myself. No one else is going to tell me what is really wrong with me. No one is going to knock some sense into me because I don’t listen to other people’s insults. I know it isn’t healthy or good for me, but that is how I’ve thought of myself for years. Now I want that to change.

I know that every step I take to a healthier lifestyle starts with decisions about food and drinks. Lately, I have gotten better with drinking more water, even though I have to pee like 20 times in a few hours while at work. I try to make sure that I can walk in the morning to the bus stop or train station so I can get a little exercise. And yesterday, during my lunch, I went for a walk around the area of my job and it was 1.06 miles. My sciatica and tendinitis started irritating me, but I had no choice because I was away from my job. That is a lot for me. It is baby steps but goodness they feel larger and larger every day.

I still make excuses for not being able to do things because of my health conditions. I keep settling for less because I am ultimately lazy. I have so much time on my hands for working out, getting my homework done, and spending time with my family, but I let social media take over my life. I am typing out this blog post because my goal is to improve myself.

I don’t mean just the unhealthy things like trying to give up cigarettes, trying to work out and eat right. I mean I want to give my man and my child more me time without involving my phone or being a vegetable on the couch. I can’t say how many times I couldn’t do something because I was too tired, but I wasn’t too tired to entertain someone else online. I wasn’t too tired to watch some of my favorite shows on TV or Netflix. I wasn’t too tired to play the game. Granted that energy output may not be the same as playing with a toddler, but I want to say it is.

P.S. It is 4 AM and I’m partially awake. Yesterday, I went outside for about 5 to 7 minutes to make a call during my lunch [3:53pm for maybe 5-7 minutes]. I go back to my desk and get ready to clock in. I felt immediate exhaustion and dizziness. This is pretty much the same thing that happened last week for being outside for 40 mins. Now I am noticing that the hotter it is, the less time I have to be out there. Shade, umbrellas, sunscreen, and medication don’t really matter. It’s odd I know. But I ended up getting an emergency appointment instead of going to the hospital. I got 3 shots [still hurt even 10 hours later] and one of them was benadryl. I’m kind of okay but at this point I have to be taken to work 3 hours early. Thanks to my awesome boyfriend for doing it because its pain stakeningly out of the way. My doctor wants me to avoid being outside at all costs unless it is in a car. The deal was if I have to take a bus, take the day off and use a doctors note. If I got a ride, don’t use the note and go to work. It sucks to give up a day off when you feel you really need it but I need a full check no matter what.

Side note: Have you ladies ever considered using reusable pads? I have always dealt with irregular periods. After the birth of Alaina, I still deal with an irregular, almost nonexistent cycle. But when I do have a cycle, it is about 4 to 7 weeks. Using the disposable pads and tampons can not only get pricey but frustrating on your skin. It did for mine. So I spent $20 to get these reusable pads in a variety of sizes. You wash them, hang ’em to dry and they feel amazing. Save yourself money, save the landfills, and save your skin.

I want to adjust my way of living to be more positive and family oriented. I want to work smarter, not harder. I want to use my time wisely because it isn’t unlimited. I know I will struggle because I have developed a habit.

Do you have any tips about being more positive? Do you feel like you spend too much time on your devices? What motivates you to keep eating right? What did you do to start working out? Do you have any odd/rare medical conditions?

Be Blessed! XOXO

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