Wild Thoughts

Don’t we all have a moment of weakness?

I had some very negative and deranged thoughts that tangled a web within my brain. It wasn’t good. I didn’t feel good and I didn’t feel like I should be on this planet. But I didn’t act on it. I knew that my daughter needed me. My man needed me. My family needed me.

This is why I started this blog. It isn’t really a place for me to talk bad about anyone, to just blabber on about nonsense, and especially not to just make some cash.  I don’t feel too comfortable putting my personal life on the web, but I pretty much do that on social media anyways. P.S. I’m broke! No money being earned here on my blog.

I still struggle with postpartum depression. I feel it every day. I can feel it tug at me like the urge to smoke a cigarette. By the way, I have been smoke-free for 25 days. I sincerely just believe I can’t recover from this mental ache that strolls through my head. I’m too exhausted to do anything! What makes that worse? Facebook, Snapchat, and Instagram. I see my social media folks doing so many great things for their kids, themselves, and their friends.

I think to myself: I wish I could take my daughter out to that place, I wish I can go do this, I wish me and my boyfriend can spend time together alone, I wish I had some friends to hang out with. All those struggles are on me. That is my issue. But it feels just way bigger than that. I know it shouldn’t. It feels like my head is programmed to make shit worse than what it is.

To you I got a paper cut, to me I just cut off my entire thumb with a blender.

Now, I feel like I’m better than I have been. Alaina has been sick since Tuesday. We have dealt with a sick Alaina, but never to this extent. This morning her breathing sounded like those people in the cigarette commercials, that at the end of the filming, they passed away from cancer. She barely slept and neither did Craig and I. That’s the life of a parent. But you know what made me feel much better? She needed a nebulizer. With all the news stories of parents losing their children to strains of the flu, you just wonder more than you should. BUT when I came work late yesterday, my co-workers asked how she was feeling and what was going on.

I was out on Tuesday because I was ill. I was out on Wednesday because SHE was ill. I called in late because I got an appointment since she didn’t seem to be getting better. I hadn’t really explained anything to anyone but just in voicemails to my job. I wanted to explain to them that in no way was I attempting to screw them over or neglect my position. It made me feel wonderful. They don’t know me but just of the chitter chatter we have daily while working. But they all seemed sincere and it was a good feeling because I was worried about my baby and my job. I also didn’t want to be there while my baby girl wasn’t feeling well.

Which is odd because any person knows being around anyone who is sick is never fun.

Mental illness is a disease. You don’t see the massive affects until you or someone you know happen to suffer from it. It can change you. It can flip who you were into someone you don’t know. I didn’t even see it until the day my man told me I wasn’t the same girl he met and fell for years ago. Can you imagine that something so sinister like mental illness can change who you are and how you are to people? Do you believe that it is possible to conquer it?

I made a new friend. She understood me, joked with me, related with me, and didn’t undermine me. She is part of the reason why I felt different this week. She helped me in such a big way that she won’t know until she reads this. The only thing I ever missed from all of the friends I have ever made is someone with listening skills. That simple start of a conversation helped me push through the week. Someone that isn’t around me 24/7 or that doesn’t completely know everything about me. I mean I need to sound somewhat interesting.

These are my thoughts. They aren’t together. They don’t make sense. They just exist. I’m not altogether in my head. I’m not the best person, I’m not the best mom. I’m just the only mom I can be.

~ The Kali Mom

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