My daughter is up at 1am and I just felt like ranting about my jumbled thoughts.

I’ve always looked down on people who work in retail or fast food as managers. I didn’t openly say or admit to that statement until just a sentence ago. I thought to myself, “Why are they any different than someone who has worked hard to get the position they have in some other non-retail/fast food job?” We are mostly told that if we want to be a doctor, nurse, lawyer, cop, scientist, or teacher that we should go to college. Not that if you go to school for a business degree that you could become a district manager for Target. I am doing all I can to Google a reason to go to school and why I shouldn’t apply to certain jobs because I’ve had “better” jobs. Obviously if it was better, I’d have made the effort to stay there. I don’t want to be a scientist, doctor, teacher, nurse, or a lawyer.

I found out today I got hired at two stores a local mall for the holidays. I was happy because I finally can earn some income. I’m sad because I’m going to miss some holidays to be able to work these jobs. And I’m nervous because I️ don’t want these positions to be only seasonal. What if company A decides to keep me and in 5 years I am a manager because of my future college degree? Is that a bad thing? I️ thought it was but I️ had to check myself and realize it is not a bad thing at all.

But it gave me a chance to realize that I think differently of others for no real great reason. And I didn’t really think about this until now. All I can hope for is that I can fulfill my educational duties to myself and my family. I have plenty of time to change my mind and make it up all over again. I wish that others realized that because I’m not on their track of life with no marriage, no college degree, no full time job, and no credit that it doesn’t mean I️ won’t ever get it together. Hey, I may not but as of right now, no one knows. I don’t know where my bachelor’s degree will take me but it is a start.

I have always thought I would never amount to anything and I wouldn’t be anyone special. And I still have those feelings. But now that I’m a parent…I want to be better than that and give my Alaina a fighting chance. I know she will struggle and have hardships and I can’t stop all of it. I can try and show her that I had some crazy difficulties but I still tried and I did it.

I don’t think this way because I was taught differently than my fellow neighbors and classmates. I grew up quicker than any of my former friends and I’ve never truly believed in myself. I️ had a hard working single mom and a disabled older sister. With having to step up to the “big sis plate” to make dinner and watch out for yourself and your sibling…it wasn’t easy. Being bullied for not having great clothes or being homeless was horrible to deal with. Although I️ wouldn’t wish that on anyone, it taught me many of things. It just takes one person to push and put you in your place to say look you can do it! You need to try and stop being down on yourself. No matter who lets you down, don’t you let yourself down.

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